If you are an obsessive freak like I can be, this whole blogosphere has really thrown a curveball into things. I am a fanatic now, rabidly drooling over posts my mind screaming “MOREMOREMORE!” I used to curl up with a book at night. Now I am seeking, searching, clicking links, learning, questioning, agreeing and grateful for those who wish to hit publish. I used to go to sleep at midnight carefully placing a piece of ribbon onto the page in the novel that I was reading. Now it is one a.m. and I am pacing; reading and pacing on my smartphone. My mind screams “JUST ONE MORE! JUST ONE MORE!” Yesterday it was three a.m. when I shut my eyes.
I have NO willpower.
Friday I was at work and it was uncharacteristically quiet. The boss was away….My mind kept on trying to figure out a way to peruse sites and work at the same time. Perhaps I could do some filing. Perhaps there is some other half mindless things I can do while I sneak glances at my phone. Perhaps I should leave my phone in my vehicle so I do not even entertain these thoughts. I managed to make a deal with myself and only read a few posts during my lunch hour.
Temptation builds in me. It starts out small and miniscule, just the breath of an idea. Each murmur of it stacks upon the other, piling on top of itself, growing its need. Need neED NEED MORE! Need to read, need to write. Need this sustenance I have only just discovered. How have I lived without it? I do not question it. I am blinded by its voracity, consumed by its existence. I try to stifle it, try to ignore it but it always there, whispering and then screaming “FEED ME!” I allot time for it. I will feed you after lunch, a little after supper and after I put my wee one to bed. Do not worry, my obsession, you will not starve. I cannot ignore your shrieking pleas.
So what is one to do when faced with such an intense craving? Well, write about it of course! Feed the beast and in turn, its fire, its intensity, will feed you. It will inspire you to spill out sentences to satiate its desires and release the energy of its demands from within you.
Thanks for listening to this one.