I am very fond of procrastinating. In fact, I am doing it right now. What I should be doing is re-organizing my monthly bills, sorting out the paperwork, filing it away. Instead, the envelopes sit in a folder beside me. Some of them haven’t even been opened yet. The edges protruding out of the file, peeking at me, making me feel guilty for taking this time to write this post. Horrible.
I guess you can call me a procrastinator, but I don’t feel like that would be an adequate description of my current state. You can only procrastinate doing things for so long before it turns into complete and utter avoidance. And, with that avoidance, comes a vast amount of guilt. I am finding it quite paralyzing at the moment. I am trying to suppress it, trying to ignore it, but I can feel it’s presence. It is in the way I hold my jaw, fighting the urge to clench my teeth. It is in my chest, a heaviness I cannot seem to lift. My shoulders – they are slouched and have rotated forward in an attempt to protect my soul from this emotion. None of these defenses are effective.
I can trace back the origin of my avoidance to eight months ago when I received a lovely gift – a ukulele for Christmas. I became engrossed, obsessive like I usually am with a new muse. I spent hours with that tool. I was determined to learn and I was somewhat successful. From there, I delved into reading novels. I would finish a book within an evening, often staying up to four a.m. to do so. I was eager to escape my surroundings. My most recent technique? This blog, specifically this post.
You see, I am a Libra, and my symbol is a scale. Everything is supposed to be balanced, but for me, it rarely is. I swing from one extreme to the next. I make deals with myself “If I can accomplish this, then I can take time to enjoy this.” Do you know what this means? That I have rarely took time to enjoy anything! All of those little wishes were pushed to the back of my mind and were replaced by my to-do-lists. And, you know what? All work and no play made me quite grumpy. So I swung the scales in the other direction. I burnt those lists (literally) and began to enjoy everything. Now I am at the other end of the extreme, feeling incredibly selfish and horribly guilty about it all.
Sigh. The scales are tipping once again. I can feel them evening out for the sake of my own sanity. I am grateful for them, for the guilt they will alleviate, the tasks that they will force me to accomplish, and the balance that they will bring me.🍻 Here’s to finding some harmony.