Finding Harmony

I am very fond of procrastinating. In fact, I am doing it right now. What I should be doing is re-organizing my monthly bills, sorting out the paperwork, filing it away. Instead, the envelopes sit in a folder beside me. Some of them haven’t even been opened yet. The edges protruding out of the file, peeking at me, making me feel guilty for taking this time to write this post. Horrible.

I guess you can call me a procrastinator, but I don’t feel like that would be an adequate description of my current state. You can only procrastinate doing things for so long before it turns into complete and utter avoidance. And, with that avoidance, comes a vast amount of guilt. I am finding it quite paralyzing at the moment. I am trying to suppress it, trying to ignore it, but I can feel it’s presence. It is in the way I hold my jaw, fighting the urge to clench my teeth. It is in my chest, a heaviness I cannot seem to lift. My shoulders – they are slouched and have rotated forward in an attempt to protect my soul from this emotion. None of these defenses are effective.

I can trace back the origin of my avoidance to eight months ago when I received a lovely gift – a ukulele for Christmas. I became engrossed, obsessive like I usually am with a new muse. I spent hours with that tool. I was determined to learn and I was somewhat successful. From there, I delved into reading novels. I would finish a book within an evening, often staying up to four a.m. to do so. I was eager to escape my surroundings. My most recent technique? This blog, specifically this post.

You see, I am a Libra, and my symbol is a scale. Everything is supposed to be balanced, but for me, it rarely is. I swing from one extreme to the next. I make deals with myself “If I can accomplish this, then I can take time to enjoy this.” Do you know what this means? That I have rarely took time to enjoy anything! All of those little wishes were pushed to the back of my mind and were replaced by my to-do-lists. And, you know what? All work and no play made me quite grumpy. So I swung the scales in the other direction. I burnt those lists (literally) and began to enjoy everything. Now I am at the other end of the extreme, feeling incredibly selfish and horribly guilty about it all.

Sigh. The scales are tipping once again. I can feel them evening out for the sake of my own sanity. I am grateful for them, for the guilt they will alleviate, the tasks that they will force me to accomplish, and the balance that they will bring me.🍻  Here’s to finding some harmony.

 

 

Advertisements

36 thoughts on “Finding Harmony

        1. A small blip in there about you rushing through chores. I have to admit I envision you now painting with both hands, paint flying off of your brushes as you stroke. It is a novel concept for me. I don’t think I know of anybody that is truly ambidextrous.😊

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I don’t know about being truly ambidextrous. Over time one tends to prefer one hand over the other…for certain tasks 🙂 But yeah, I am a mirror-writer and I can write normal and mirror simultaneously. (A fat lot of good that does to me! What is the point of replicating something, unless it’s to prove that you have a crazy streak 🙂 Yes, I remember that rushing through the chores bit – because chores are so thankless. This pocket-watch has longevity that chores haven’t.

            Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m always interested in the reasons people procrastinate and what meanings they make of it. I’ve read studies that link procrastination to depression, or to childhood experiences (such as having harsh authoritarian parents), optimism, thrill-seeking, and more. Fascinating stuff! Thanks for your take on it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so interesting. I have to say probably number two. I still don’t like being told what to do, even if it comes from the lists I make for myself! And thanks for reading!

      Like

      1. I’d say one and two, for me, although I imagine that one is also a pretty direct result of two, haha! I know what you mean about the lists…. I’ve had to reframe lists as “external memory” rather than as reminders or prompts.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I have to say that my guilt will lead me down that path too.I find that writing helps,do you? I seem to be able to take a step back and see my emotions from a bit of a distance, and am able to form a bit of a healthy detachment from them. As far as the lists go, I am the same as you. Well said.☺ I prefer the “external memory” method as well, no infringement on my freedom then 😊

          Like

          1. Oh yes, writing helps, and doing any kind of art. Something expressive. I try to do a bit every day. “A doodle a day keeps the crazy away” is the tagline I use when I post my doodles on Instagram, haha! I like “healthy detachment.” My friend who meditates regularly told me that the feeling isn’t me, the feeling is just the feeling. I found that extremely helpful!

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Meditation is a good tool too. Have you tried it? I found it difficult. It took me a long time to just let the thoughts flow without grabbing on to them but the effects, if you can get the hang of it, are

              Like

            2. I haven’t tried it seriously. The idea of it and my few small attempts at it have triggered massive anxiety. I work on some mindfulness stuff, but I find that writing and doing art are what often put me in a kind of altered, timeless, and almost selfless state that sounds maybe like what meditation does…?

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes you shall find harmony. Procrastination is the thief of time and if rewarding yourself is the way to get you to do the things that needs to be done then, maybe you should tilt the way that works better for you. The truth is that I doubt if any human has been able to strike that perfect balance yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When I feel like I have been avoiding something for a long time, it turns into a JFDI task. So I JFDI and I feel better for it, of course, there is always another one I have left lurking just under the parapet of my consciousness, waiting to become malignant enough for me to stop ignoring. I am a Gemini, I have no scales, I am my own angel and devil. The devil wins, frequently.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha that’s the first acronym that I didn’t have to look up ☺I felt the same way this morning. Finished my third cup of coffee 😉 and zipped through some of my to do list. Feeling satisfied tonight.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s